Agam's Gecko
Sunday, May 09, 2004

Yo! Hola amigos! So the little guy finally gets his chance... Old Agam, who thinks he's the proprietor of this blog thingy, finally leaves the machine on while he went to the toko for snacks - and lets the real brains around here get a word in sideways. I've probably only got about 10 minutes, so let's get down wid it yo!

OK first thing, I can hear the 4 or 5 readers of this noble effort - alright, alright then six maybe, tops - thinking, "Who is this creepy crawly guy anyway, thinkin' he's the brains of the operation?" A fair question, and those of you who think that I'm just him when he's drunk or somethin', channeling some supressed alter-ego from the great beyond, no way, Jose! Did'n'cha notice the subtle adjustments in colour, layout and typeface around here lately. Dat wuz me! Agam has even less sense of style than most humans generally do, in my not so humble opinion, and he needs all the help he can get! My brain might be the size of a garbanzo bean but at least I got some fashion sense. Heh, so if any 'o youse gots any tips, tricks or even cool gecko art, lemme know. Just email the old boy with ATTN: GECKO somewhere on it and don't worry, I'll see it - I see everything!

Well well, good news tonight for jihadis: they'll be celebrating in ole Basra town over this one! There must be some decent money getting into the resistance efforts way down Messopotamia way... not only have prices been set on the heads of Rummy and his generals, but the clerical disciples of the child mullah al Sadr have told the faithful that they'll pay well for the killing of any coalition soldier. Dat's wut U get for making a 23 year old spoiled brat into a spiritual leader with armies at his feet. Our Iraqi blogger friends can tell us as often as they want that Muqtada is nothing but an immature 23 year old who most Iraqis distain, and that Najafis have been joining something called the "Thulfiqar Army" in order to cleanse their city of his messianic al Mahdi cult - the vastly more knowledgeable western media will keep insisting that he's a 31 year old Islamic scholar with widespread moral authority - so who are we to argue? And furthermore, the Basrawi disciple of this little aspiring ayatollah, also dropped this carefully prepared turd (heh, I can say dat cuz I know all about dropping those) - anyone who manages to capture a female infidel soldier, has permission to keep her as his personal slave! Dat's right folks. Get your ass over there to fight for the glorious anti-Satan resistance, and you can win your very own blonde, blue eyed (insy'Allah) western female to make do your bidding, to own and cherish, to trade or sell as you see fit. What could be better? The lucky jihadi who captures one of these babies, can treat her just like any of his other wives - which means he can humiliate her (or in other words make her feel like a woman, the way his brothers were made to feel).

Yeah, like I said: there's some serious money goin' into this project, yo! Me an' Agam wuz just sayin' yesterday how, if there's still a video floatin' around out there of those sick traitors gettin' their jollies off playin' with hooded and bound "women" - that baby's got to be worth big money. Coincidence? Don't axe me!But last night Rummy said videos all plural-like. How much do you think those relatively few pictures of the perverted bondage sessions could be worth? Think of their awsome power, capable of affecting world history, think of the stakes involved. Now think that the stockpile of this stuff, might be 1000 times that. Then ponder the addition of digital video, the pornographic currency of that sick stuff in addition to the strategic value. What's the market for this kind of junk? What if it went as far as snuff? Go with me here folks, I'm just a cold blooded little creature trying to understand how humans operate here. How did those pictures go from being evidence in legal proceedings - and without any of the officials called on the carpet yesterday (with one exception out of the six) having seen any of them along the way - to being in CBS news' own hand to do with as it wishes, and to place into the public domain. How did that transference happen, and isn't is the kind of thing that would be expected to require big bux to make happen? Rummy and the others never saw them because they were still evidence being held under a legal jurisdiction - never saw them until we all saw them, when the holders of this "evidence" decided that everyone shall see them at once. The SecDef has now seen one disc of images, just on the eve of his testimony to the committee on Friday, and there is at least one other which also contains videos. Suddenly at the same time, there's money to pay kilos of gold for high level assassinations on behalf of al Qaeda, and a general bounty on coalition uniforms on behalf of al Sadr (the women captives can pay for themselves apparently, heh). The truth is out there.... stranger than fiction..... quoth the gecko evermore

Heh, just heard Lurch saying that he likes to often mention John McCain for a very important reason - it drives Karl Rove nuts. Hah, you're so clever Senator. Lurch is so cool, the way he tilts his head a little toward the cameras, gives that big, earnest hound-dog look, and resonates: Bring. It. On.

Ah Fidel, Fidel....que 'tal 'ombre? Didn't think anyone actually paid attention to your speeches anymore, and yikes look what you did. Thought for sure the Mexicans and Peruvians wouldn't be listening, and whammo! - they didn't like what they heard one bit. Smooth move, exlax.... (heh, heard the old boy barking that at the tv one day; upon querying him, I learned that he'd heard the Prime Minister using it. "Smooth move, exlax Your Majesty he said, and she smiled quietly to herself.") Anyway, Agam did have Fidel's May Day address on the box, I recall it was the same day as we heard Mariano Rajoy and Mr. Bean Zapatero at Spanish parliament. But Fidel didn't warrant a mention because Agam lost interest in his drone - reputed to go for many hours once he gets warmed up - and had stopped paying attention. But The Gecko knows.... and evidently Vicente and Alejandro were still listening, eh Fidel? Espero que.... don't be so stupid next time, bro! If a commie needs anything in 2004, it's friends! DUH!

Ok I'm runnin' outa gas here now, Agam's comin' in the backdoor with heavy footprints. Hey yo! deja hear what the motto is, for the new wave Spanish left as they imagine themselves rushing to man las baricadas? What will they paint on picturesque brick walls to give each other courage in the struggle? Yes of course, it can only be, ""Pasaran!" - "They shall pass!" Heh, Gecko suggests "No tenemos huevos". Yes, and the common polite greeting should no longer be "buenas tardes, senor" but will henceforth go something like, "No tengo huevos." "Ah, gracias senor. No tengo huevos con mucho gusto!" Heh, I like that. No tengo huevos con mucho gusto is a cool slogan, it should have been on 10,000 t-shirts the day roughly that many Italians said "Yes, massa." to the jihadist giving them orders. Yeah man, kidnap some Italian civilians, put 'em on tv, film the faithful-most of the mujahideen killing the mouthiest of the infidels (And drat if the papist bum didn't screw the whole thing up at the last minute by pulling off his hood, and showing them all how a brave man dies, eh jihadi? Ruined the whole bloody film didn't he jihadi? Why would Jazeera and Arabiya pay you to show the world that , eh jihadi? And hah! it was said to be too gruesome for them to show - nah, not gruesome but an Italian with courage). And the last step: demand the Italian people to demonstrate and protest against their country's participation in the coalition of the willing, its alliance with the UK, US, with the Iraqi people and with democracy. Yeah, that's the ticket. "Dance, you Italian papist kuf'r hordes. Dance for us or we will kill your people, our hostages!" And dance they did, about 10,000 of them, waving their hammers and sickles, their black flags, but mostly waving the old Iraq flag, the one Saddam made, knowing not what they do. No tengo huevos con mucho gusto, por favor. YO!

OK gotta go mi amigos, ahora. I'll go to check what might have been left out for me around the trash area, to peruse the situation for morsels to diversify my dietary consumables. Hey Yo! speakin' of trash, y'all know about Ted Rall right? You know the gig - a good man gets killed in Afghanistan, he was famous in some way so a student in a student paper decides it would be cool to trash and insult him, and generally speak ill of the dead, and this becomes a big deal so the kid has to apologise, and so Ted Rall, anti-imperialist Cartoonist for the Masses extraordinaire can't stand that this silly kid has got more power to inflame anger than he does, and comes up with some tasteless cartoon that neither Agam nor I have seen. Then the insult-comic dog's poop really hits the fan, so to speak. And some people wish they never heard of Ted Rall, and some promise to ignore him from now on, and others wish to either kill him or worship the soles of his feet (not his art or ideas, but mainly just the soles of his feet). But Ted is supremely happy, because he is being noticed, and demonstrating his unchallenged ability to create anger with the stroke of his pen. But Ted Rall's Internal Monologue is something else entirely. This guy writes like a genius, I'll just bet Agam wishes he could do it like that, but I'll also just bet it's exhausting to channel some sick creep like Ted Rall and his innermost thoughts. But. Jeff. Can. Write. Thatsferdamnsure. Still not convinced, check this one. Channeling Conan Doyle, more pleasant than doing Rall, I'll just bet on that too. Cool and calming, like cute puppies or something.




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